(Mis-) Naming your pet

We had this cat, Fuzzy. No, I did not name her. I would not have named her something so insipid, so…generic. In my family, we like to get a feel for the cat’s personality before naming him or her. (Unfortunately, this often leads to confusion, as the cat’s name tends to change over time as we get to know him or her better.)

Anyway, the point is. my cat’s personality was not the sort that goes with “Fuzzy”. “Fuzzy” belongs to a sweet cat. A nice cat. The sort that sits on your lap and purrs.

THIS cat was more the sort to sit on someone else’s lap and purr, just to stick it to you. And she’s not cute the way a name like Fuzzy would imply. Frankly, she was much, MUCH better looking than that. You know that euphemism about someone having a “good personality”? Well Fuzzy was the reverse. She had a terrible personality. We kept her because she was so darned good-looking. She was a ridiculously cute cat.

Eventually, after a few years of spurning, we got over her blinding cuteness, stopped calling her Fuzzy and started calling her by the name that went with her personality: That Little Turd.

But even that name didn’t last forever. As will happen, The Little Turd got old and her kidneys went on the blink. Which means I had to give her (foul tasting) meds twice a day and inject her with some stuff. As you might imagine, there was a lot of hiding under furniture and complaining. Often by me. We changed her name to Cranky Pants. That lasted about a minute, until we got caught in the death ray of her glare at being, once again, named something insipid. She became known from then on as Bitter Butt.

About that time I moved. I was good. I read all the books. I bought her treats and crooned at her. I bought two litter boxes so Bitter Butt could have her pick. And how did she respond? How did she show her gratitude?

Spite peeing. She never used the litter boxes unless it was as a place to stand while she went off the side. She hit the bathroom rugs, so you’d get a little damp surprise under your feet if you had to go in the middle of the night. She went inside closets. On luggage, towels, and electronics. She particularly enjoyed peeing on iPods. I don’t have an iPod. But she could sense it from two rooms away if a guest brought one in the house and was stupid enough to leave it unattended.

You might be reading this and thinking, “Oh that poor sweet dear kitty! So traumatized at illness and moving.” That just goes to show you’re a total sucker for a pretty face. “She was just expressing her feelings,” you insist.

Of course Bitter Butt was expressing her feelings! The feeling she was expressing most often was enjoyment in watching me me get down on my hands and knees and scrub up after her, coughing my way through thick vinegar clouds. I could tell because off in the distance, I could hear that rarest of all Fuzzy sounds: her purring. The little turd.

Anyone else gravely mis-named a pet?

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4 responses to “(Mis-) Naming your pet

  1. lol! Cats can really be evil little things. I’ve only had hamsters, I named the first Molly. The second one got the name Elvis, but it later change to Ozzy as in Ozzy Osbourne. He was a little rocker, but more of the ozzy type it turned out. Loud! He would run around and make sound all during the night. 😛

  2. Oh my gosh, just giggled my butt off. I’ve always been one to name a pet ‘real’ names. We had a maltese we named Katie Scarlett O’Hara. Remember what a prissy, Fiddle-dee-dee, she was? Remember how she did things and would be all, “I’ll think about that tomorrow”? Just like our Katie would poop under the kitchen table moments after I’d walked her fluffy white butt around outside forever and she’d be all … “I’ll think about that tomorrow … or not, as my masters will have taken care of it by then!”

    We have a big hairy, shedding beast we named Toula, after Fatoula, Greek Cutie from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The name fits … big hairy eyebrows, dripping hair off the chin.

    We also have Giavanna the Ninja dog. I can’t tell you anything about her or I’ll have to kill you. *snerk*

    LOVE your post, Liz.

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